Purge: Get it all out

I purged myself today. No, not the hide myself in the bathroom over the toilet purging. The good kind of purging. The kind where you just let all frustration, heartache, stress, worry, and sadness rush out of every pore and tearduct.

This morning started off with yet more confirmation of the news I was met with on Saturday, the news that was opposite of what I was expecting. Since I didn’t clue you in then, I’ll clue you in now.

negative

Now, I want to be clear that I know this is only the 4th month we have been trying to conceive and that it can take time. I also want to be clear that I know 100% that it will happen when the time is right and God has a plan for us. And the past few months I have been bummed when I found out I wasn’t pregnant but got over it in about 30 minutes. This time has been harder. So I had to and have to still purge out some of these emotions. Bear with me and my word vomit, k?

This time has been harder for a number of reasons. The biggest one is probably that I was certainΒ that this month was it. I felt pregnant. I had the nausea that felt exactly like it did with Makenzie. I had a strong gut feeling . And the sore tatas. Although maybe that was just from switching to Group Power classes and the insane reps and pulses used in the chest track. πŸ˜‰ Anyways, there were other things too. My BBT chart had post ovulation temperatures that continued to climb and climb, instead of remaining steady like other recent cycles. BBT stands for basal body temperature. Tracking it is a very accurate way to know more about your cycles, ovulation, upcoming period, fertility, etc – for the record, post on all that coming sometime in the future. And rising temperatures after ovulation can indicate pregnancy. Just like my previous cycle chart when I got pregnant with M. So as you can see, a lot of the frustration comes from the expectations not matching the reality this time around and having to suddenly adjust to the notion that I am likely not, in fact, pregnant this month. I told you I was feeling at least 95% positive.

My Cycle Chart from Fertilityfriend.com

Even more frustration stems from fear. Fear that doing that dagnabit figure competition screwed up my innards more than I realized. There was some concern about it, which is why I put on the weight I have and have cut back a lot on my workout intensity. Why I am living and trying to be positive with having to be 10-15 lbs above my comfortable, happy weight. My body needs the extra padding to hold onto a baby. I had to do the same thing last time and it worked in 2 months. But I get scared that it won’t this time. 4 months is not forever. I know that. But what if I did more damage than I realized with the diet restrictions and the super intense workouts? What if 4 months turns into 6 months turns into a year turns into more time? It hurts to think of it. Which leads me also to BEG anyone out there who spends excessive energy in workouts (I would say more than 6 hours a week) and restricting food (less than 1500/day imo) to rethink their practices!! Please please please! But that is a post for another time…

So, the Negative Nancy side of me is coming out. And I don’t like it. So today was about purging. Spewing out emotions on the blog. Kicking and punching and sweating out some serious frustration this morning in a kickbox class, which ironically was a super intense workout in a probable passive aggressive way of retaliation to my efforts so far not working. Taking a scalding hot shower and just letting the tears flow. Praying HARD to God with desperate cries to please let it be soon because the fear is sending me to a negative place that I don’t know if I am ready to battle again.

Now, I will suck it up. Because I have to go be a housewife and get things in order around here after a hectic not caring morning. And I have to prepare for the marathon tutoring sessions that await me tonight. And I have to be a mom. Insert reality check here. I am already blessed to be a mom, to the most precious child alive.

My Makenzie

Thank God for her. Thank God for his grace. Thank God for the hope he provides. Thank God. No matter what, he is always worthy of my praise and will always love me, even when I purge and spew negativity. πŸ™‚

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37 Responses to Purge: Get it all out

  1. Ameena says:

    I’m so sorry you didn’t get the news you were looking for. Even if it has only been 4 months, that is 4 months that you wanted something you couldn’t have so of course I can understand your frustration. Sorry I don’t have anything else to say that can make you feel better, other than that I am crossing my fingers for you!!

    You daughter is SO adorable. Makenzie is definitely blessed to have a great mother like you!

  2. I’m sorry girl. 😦 Thinking of you. You have a wonderful attitude. You know it will happen when the right time comes around.

  3. Lindsey says:

    I’m sorry you didn’t get the good news you were hoping for and expecting. I have a bunch of friends who are trying to get pregnant for the first time right now and are finding it tough. But you’re right – it will happen when it’s meant to happen I guess.

    I say that to you now, but I know that if/when my husband and I try, we will likely face the same frustrations and hearing that advice probably won’t mean anything to me. Doesn’t take away the frustration and fear. I get a little more nervous each year we wait that our chances are diminishing. My mom had three miscarriages before conceiving me, so that is always in the back of my mind.

    I wish you all the best and hopefully next month will be a lucky one. And I look forward to your coming posts about this topic some more. And one more thing – your daughter is adorable and you certainly are one lucky momma!

  4. Mellissa says:

    I just want to come give you a hug! I know this news is disappointing but I know it will happen at the right time and I also think that the competition you did doesn’t have anything to do with this. Just keep trying (and have fun at it!) and the right time that will be 2 lines πŸ™‚

  5. Melissa says:

    Hey beautiful Tina. I wanted to put in a little comment for you to see regarding your bummer results on the PT.

    There’s something I’ve learned from every friend of mine that’s ever TRIED to get pregnant. They watch their body temps, their ovulation schedules, eat healthy, scrump with their hubbies as often as possible…and it doesn’t happen. I very rarely does.

    My sister for example, has lost two babies (early on). She tries, gets all hyped up, gets pregnant, relaxes, and bam! Loses her little ones. Think of the stress and worry and concentration you’re experiencing trying to get pregnant. You get all geared up…and if it doesn’t happen, you end up bummed. If it does…then something happens like with my sister. For her, it’s the go go go and then sudden drop in stress levels that did it.

    Whenever my friends and sister stopped trying (stopped counting days, stopped focusing on body temps, and cervical fluid, and cervical height, etc etc etc…), BAM. Healthy bouncing babies 9 mos. later.

    Try not trying, Teens.

    Also, let me point something out about how my body works when it comes to pregnancy. I will be two weeks late and STILL pop up negative. I’ll try 2-3 days later…and there’s the faint little line for positive. It never pops up clear as day for me until 4 weeks late. No lie. I don’t know why, never have, but it’s happened BOTH times. So, when my friend thought she was pregnant, it popped up negative when she was eight days late…I told her to wait. Sure enough…a week later, it was positive. We’re tricky, us ladies.

    Keep your chin up, momma…love and hugs.

    • Melissa says:

      BTW, the loss of babies obviously doesn’t happen for everyone. I didn’t want to frighten you, especially seeing as you tried for beautiful little M and were successful, but it’s just an example of the extreme stress she went through. You were healthy about your competition…and I hope you can soon see that it’s not your fault you’re not expecting yet. (An added stressor!) I’ll put you and future baby in my prayers. πŸ˜‰

      • Tina says:

        Thanks for Melissa for all of the input. I really appreciate it πŸ™‚ I have to say that today has been the only day I have really been stressed about it and even though we’ve been tracking things I have just been more go with the flow. Mainly because of M. She distracts me and I’m already a mom to her that it helps the patience. But if things continue to not happen for us then taking a step back may be in order in the future. I do agree stress can be a serious hamper to conceiving.

  6. katiivey says:

    Oh..I am just so sorry :< This post gave me chills at the end. Because I feel like I've been there and AM there. In a way. Your re-assurance to yourself that it will all work out only further affirms my own knowledge and hope that GOD IS IN CONTROL. He really is. He knows what we dream and desire for. I have to constantly remind myself of this and sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes I get sooo mad and have a day like you're having. I hope today gets better though and I'll be praying.!

    • Tina says:

      I’ve been praying for you as well! And God still understands us, even when we have lower days. As long as we keep faith and hope at the forefront, we can know our prayers will be honored eventually in some way. πŸ™‚

  7. Hugs to you. I don’t have children and have not tried to conceive so I don’t know exactly what you’re going through. But I have seen my sister go through this and friends as well. Whatever happens, just don’t beat yourself up for any reason at all. I know that’s always easier said that done.

  8. lisaou11 says:

    Aw Tina I’m so sorry. I know how much you want this. But, like you said, it’ll happen on God’s Timing and you just have to relish in that fact.

    I loved Melissa’s advice (isn’t she great?) and want to second everything she said.

    Prayin for ya sweets.

  9. Lindsey says:

    I’m praying for you, Tina!

  10. Cindy says:

    Awww, sorry it wasn’t what you were looking for Tina. We tried for 5 months this time (but it happened the first month with CJ), but as you said, I figure God knows what we (and our bodies) can handle. Enjoy the “trying” part as much as you can!! And not sure what your “plan” has been, but I have always heard sex every other day during your ovulation was the key. Someone told me that if his sperm count was okay, every day was better. We tried every day, and Viola……

    Good luck, thinking about you!!

    • Tina says:

      That’s comforting to know it was a bit longer the 2nd time around for you guys as well. And thanks for the input on timing. Eventually we will have to play around with all of it. Luckily, the “trying” part is still enjoyable πŸ˜‰

  11. kbwood says:

    oh my gosh, i am so sorry girl. dang, you are so strong and you KNOW that Gods timing is perfect! MAYBE He knows better right now that its not the right time. Keep up your faith, dont let satan discourage you..keep living your life and enjoying your blessings and God will reward you. praying for ou!

  12. i’m so sorry !!! HUGS from me to you . πŸ™‚

    I’ve heard that stress can be a big factor in being able to conceive. Maybe your stress levels are too high right now. It will happen for you and your hubs, I have faith!

  13. Therese says:

    Aww baby my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how hard this must be. A little while back the hubs and I talked about possibly having kids soon (soon as in like in the next few years) and it really got me thinking about my diet and exercise. I too wonder if my years of yo-yoing and restriction ever messed too much with my insides.

    You know my mom always tells me this, and while I usually don’t want to hear it, it is always true…”God’s no means a better yes.” He may be saying no right now, but will bless you even more so when He’s ready.

    xoxo

    • Tina says:

      That is a great quote and thank you for sharing it πŸ™‚ Also, I think you are good. I think the longer you are at a healthy weight and maintaining a balanced lifestyle helps. So since it’s been awhile I bet you’ll be fine πŸ™‚

  14. homecookedem says:

    Hey there, Andrew and I have been trying to conceive since last April, so almost a year… I know how frustrating and scary it can be. But at least you do know that it is possible for you to get pregnant. I don’t even know if it will be for me. I think our bodies can be very forgiving, I think you’ll be able to conceive again, just not on your preferred timeline. Continue to pray and as you know, blessings will abound.

  15. lindsayruns says:

    I wish I could give you a big hug! I haven’t yet experienced what you’re going though, but I have sat beside friends through months of trying and the pain of miscarriages and stillbirths. Trusting God’s timing is one of the hardest things to do. Love on your Makenzie and it’ll happen when it should!

  16. I’ll certainly keep you in my prayers. Remember that God always answers prayers, not getting pregnant this month may be his way of saying, “not yet!” Trust in him. In the meantime hug and love on you beautiful daughter as much as possible! She is such a wonderful blessing!

  17. hey love! you won my giveaway! email me at onefitfoodie@gmail.com with your address!

  18. Hey Tina, it’s ok to be negative right now! Hang in there. It is going to happen all at the right time. πŸ™‚

  19. Kirsten says:

    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts Tina. I wish you the best in your journey to a new little one.

  20. You’re right, 4 months is not forever. It will happen for you! I have had many women tell me it is harder for them the second time around. Many women also try for a long time and then out of the blue they are pregnant. Don’t be discouraged and please don’t beat yourself up . It seems that you are being pretty hard on yourself. You shouldn’t be πŸ™‚ Our bodies don’t always respond as we wish. My heart goes out to you!

  21. Vee says:

    So sorry to hear that! There’s nothing wrong with letting all that frustration out. Better to let it out then let it eat us.
    I agree with Melissa. A very good friend of mine tried for a baby for nearly a year and decided a few months ago to stop trying as she thought: hey, we have one gorgeous baby boy, maybe that’s what’s meant to be. As soon as they stopped trying, she became pregnant. Stress plays an important part. Another great friend of mine tried for 5 years for their first baby; decided to adopt in the end. She then became pregnant – her body started relaxing because she had a beautiful baby at home and bang, it happened.
    I’m not saying that’s what happens to everyone, being worried and stressed makes us human. Maybe trying some yoga and meditation could help? I find yoga extremely relaxing and whether I feel overwhelmed, it calms me a lot.
    Thinking of you & sending prayers your way!

  22. lessonstolearn says:

    I fell apart for the same reason a couple of months ago. I was sure I was not going to get pregnant and was sure my body wasn’t working because I workout hard. I was taking those ovulation tests for about a week and a half and would cry when I saw that I wasn’t ovulating. Then I took a pregnancy test and cried because it was negative. But a week and a half later, the test was positive. I had ovulated before I started with the test strips, and I was pregnant when I took the first test, but it was just too early to register. If you’ve been feeling pregnant, take the test again in another week. Who knows!

    Hang in there. It will happen. Then you can start worrying everyday, like I am, about the baby being okay and continuing to grow. I literally lie in bed willing this baby to be okay.

  23. Krystal says:

    good for you for getting it all out, hon, and i’m thinking fertile thoughts for you!

    ((((HUGE HUG))))

  24. oh Tina, I’m sorry you are struggling. I’m glad that you have this blog as an outlet to get it all out though – writing definitely helps with emotions.

    I’ll be thinking of you!

  25. Melissa says:

    It won’t let me reply to you under my comment, Tina! I’m so glad you’re not stressing daily and that beautiful little M keeps you distracted. Every time I see her in pictures, she makes me smile, because there’s just SOOOO much personality beaming from her!!! I really hope that we hear a “YAY!” and see some happy tears of “we did it!” soon. I honestly can’t wait to see those belly pics, either! I’ll be sending some fun baby vibes your way!

  26. Jenn N. says:

    You’re right 4 months is not forever. I really don’t have anything else to say b/c you’ve said everything I would have said about God having a plan. I didn’t plan for my first child so when I tried for my second and it didn’t happen right away I got really sad and confused. It took 6 months and then I miscarried BUT I got pregnant again two months after that. It will happen for you.

    I couldn’t NOT agree MORE about the less than 1500 calories or the more than 6 hours of exercise. I’m so glad you said that! Even when I was cutting for my comps I rarely ate less than 1500m most of the time I was in the 1700-2000 range. Maybe just a few weeks before. However, I wasn’t doing the comps to win (oddly enough I ended up winning the first one) and I didn’t want to make any major changes that I couldn’t fit into my lifestyle when the comp was over.

  27. Jennifer says:

    Hey Tina, I’ve been M.I.A. for a little while in the blog world because of a long vacation, but I am glad that I happened to skim down to this post and read what you have been going through the past few weeks. It’s really a blessing to me and I’m sure others to hear advice on getting pregnant and how it doesn’t always come along exactly when you want it. At about 1 year into our marriage I thought that I was pregnant. I had every single symptom, and like you, I felt pregnant. Only thing was, we weren’t trying to get pregnant yet. But knowing that is was possible got me a little excited because I’ve always wanted children, just not then. But soon later I found it was a false alarm and I must say I was disappointed at first, almost like I lost something. But I realized, just as you have, that it wasn’t God’s timing. So just keep the faith and keep on remembering that just the way God planned the perfect timing for your first born, he has the perfect timing for your next as well. πŸ™‚

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