I purged myself today. No, not the hide myself in the bathroom over the toilet purging. The good kind of purging. The kind where you just let all frustration, heartache, stress, worry, and sadness rush out of every pore and tearduct.
This morning started off with yet more confirmation of the news I was met with on Saturday, the news that was opposite of what I was expecting. Since I didn’t clue you in then, I’ll clue you in now.
Now, I want to be clear that I know this is only the 4th month we have been trying to conceive and that it can take time. I also want to be clear that I know 100% that it will happen when the time is right and God has a plan for us. And the past few months I have been bummed when I found out I wasn’t pregnant but got over it in about 30 minutes. This time has been harder. So I had to and have to still purge out some of these emotions. Bear with me and my word vomit, k?
This time has been harder for a number of reasons. The biggest one is probably that I was certain that this month was it. I felt pregnant. I had the nausea that felt exactly like it did with Makenzie. I had a strong gut feeling . And the sore tatas. Although maybe that was just from switching to Group Power classes and the insane reps and pulses used in the chest track. 😉 Anyways, there were other things too. My BBT chart had post ovulation temperatures that continued to climb and climb, instead of remaining steady like other recent cycles. BBT stands for basal body temperature. Tracking it is a very accurate way to know more about your cycles, ovulation, upcoming period, fertility, etc – for the record, post on all that coming sometime in the future. And rising temperatures after ovulation can indicate pregnancy. Just like my previous cycle chart when I got pregnant with M. So as you can see, a lot of the frustration comes from the expectations not matching the reality this time around and having to suddenly adjust to the notion that I am likely not, in fact, pregnant this month. I told you I was feeling at least 95% positive.
Even more frustration stems from fear. Fear that doing that dagnabit figure competition screwed up my innards more than I realized. There was some concern about it, which is why I put on the weight I have and have cut back a lot on my workout intensity. Why I am living and trying to be positive with having to be 10-15 lbs above my comfortable, happy weight. My body needs the extra padding to hold onto a baby. I had to do the same thing last time and it worked in 2 months. But I get scared that it won’t this time. 4 months is not forever. I know that. But what if I did more damage than I realized with the diet restrictions and the super intense workouts? What if 4 months turns into 6 months turns into a year turns into more time? It hurts to think of it. Which leads me also to BEG anyone out there who spends excessive energy in workouts (I would say more than 6 hours a week) and restricting food (less than 1500/day imo) to rethink their practices!! Please please please! But that is a post for another time…
So, the Negative Nancy side of me is coming out. And I don’t like it. So today was about purging. Spewing out emotions on the blog. Kicking and punching and sweating out some serious frustration this morning in a kickbox class, which ironically was a super intense workout in a probable passive aggressive way of retaliation to my efforts so far not working. Taking a scalding hot shower and just letting the tears flow. Praying HARD to God with desperate cries to please let it be soon because the fear is sending me to a negative place that I don’t know if I am ready to battle again.
Now, I will suck it up. Because I have to go be a housewife and get things in order around here after a hectic not caring morning. And I have to prepare for the marathon tutoring sessions that await me tonight. And I have to be a mom. Insert reality check here. I am already blessed to be a mom, to the most precious child alive.
Thank God for her. Thank God for his grace. Thank God for the hope he provides. Thank God. No matter what, he is always worthy of my praise and will always love me, even when I purge and spew negativity. 🙂